Encouraging Independent Decision-Making for My Teens

Having two teenage sons can test your parenting skills over time. Both my children have made course correction type of decisions lately and I have been pondering how my parenting may have shaped or failed them. In general, I feel my husband and I have instilled strong values into our children to better prepare them for life. However, I have begun to question this belief system as my boys made life altering decisions without my consent (how dare they!) that will change their direction.

The most recent development of a rash decision my younger son made last week has me on the fence as to whether I support him or reprimand him on a wrong choice. One part of me is not happy he quit something he had committed to. Even 2 weeks ago, despite my husband wanting him to quit for safety reasons, he told us he would finish the season out. I was not brought up to quit anything you committed to and we as parents have made that value clear to our boys too. Low and behold, at halftime during his high school soccer game last week, he quit. He had originally asked the coach to bench him, but the coach refused (mainly because my son is the ONLY goalkeeper). That is when he said, “Well then, I quit”.On the flip-side, I had to see the situation from his perspective. As mentioned earlier, there was a physical safety issue. In the 12 years my son has played soccer and most of those years as a goalkeeper, he almost never got hurt. Almost every HS game this year, he has been injured and sometimes seriously (concussion). This was a concern of ours since Nathan’s big aspiration is to try-out and play for the MLS academy team in our area coming up soon. We didn’t want to risk him being seriously injured due to a mishap in high school soccer. In addition, there was a disrespect and frustration over his fellow teammates and the coach not supporting him as the goalkeeper (goalkeepers are to yell to the team and direct them during games). The coach had reprimanded him on this day for yelling too much at his teammates. I can’t fault him for standing up for himself and getting himself out of an unhealthy situation instead of allowing the circumstances to beat him down and prevent him from reaching his ultimate goals. He certainly has bigger dreams in mind and knows that playing HS soccer is not going to get him there.So, should I be mad he quit, or should I be grateful that I can rest assured that when my son is in an awful situation, he will have the courage to stand up for himself and see the bigger picture? I’m still wrestling with this. We have discussed with him that we don’t condone quitting and there may be times when you do have to stick it out, but we understand his decision and encouraged him to keep his eye on the big dream he has to play professional.My oldest son, who is 19, is finishing up his sophomore year in college. He recently made the decision to take a “gap year” and not continue college right now. Coupled with that decision, he is planning to move out of the house and be on his own during this break from attending college. David is a very practical person, however; at times can suffer from analysis paralyzes. I commend him for being realistic and money-conscious and wait to finish college once he has determined a path of study, instead of wasting large amounts of money on expensive college tuition to just get a worthless degree. My concern of course is that he may not return to college. Others have questioned him and don’t agree with his decision, but he seems to be satisfied with his choice and standing his ground on the change of course.Then there is the idea of moving out. I’m torn. I think it would be good for him to move out and learn how to “adult” and grow up and struggle a bit. But on the other hand, I want him to be able to save money for his future endeavors and not go into debt potentially, especially if he returns to college out of state as he has eluded.I guess the lesson I must accept is; allow my children to make their own decisions and live with the good and bad consequences so they will learn. My hope and prayer is that the foundational values I have modeled for my children becomes their barometer to sound decision-making that may or may not propel them forward into a promising future. The key is to accept all decisions made and learn from the outcome.Courage and Confidence are what decision making is all about- by Mike Krzyzewski