20 Years of What?

As I was getting ready for bed this evening, I was nearly in tears and felt like I would have a melt down at any minute. The whole day I felt detached and just wanting to escape by crawling into bed. The evening, steady rain didn't help matters. There was a heavy sadness and depression creeping up on me this evening as I let my survival tactic down to unwind from the stressful day and week at work. I asked myself, "where is this coming from?" Just a few days ago, I felt amazing, focused and determined in my life. Then it dawned on me. Today was September 6th, our 20th wedding anniversary.As you can tell, there was no fanfare or gift or cards and even an acknowledgement from either party. Certainly no celebration here. My husband and I have had our share of struggles, miscommunication and relationship problems over the years, some very serious that even making it to 20 years would have been a miracle in those years. But here we are at the 20 year mark and seemingly nothing has changed.It should be a rite of passage for a marriage, definitely a call for celebration. The sadness I'm experiencing is that I envisioned us in a much different relational places then now. During those treacherous years and climbing our way out of that place, I imagined that as we worked on rebuilding our marriage we would end up on our 20th renewing our vows in front of all our family and friends and having a redemptive story to share and encourage other struggling couples. I also had dreamed of going on a cruise for our 20th to celebrate our love.But reality is none of that and far from it. If anything, we have fallen back into separate life living aside from when it comes to the kids. We do communicate better now. But he hasn't touched me in months and it's been years since he has said "I love you". Should I continue to hope for something more intimate with him? Don't get me wrong, I'm happy we spent time reconciling our broken marriage many years ago. But I never imagined it would be like this. It the moment, there is no resolve to this situation, but being vulnerable has alleviated my temporary sorrow. Tomorrow is a new day and who knows what the next 20 years of marriage will look like. The following quote is poignant for me though as I struggle with the truth of our marriage and wanting change.